Why crises in romantic relationships are predictable and how you can deal with them
In this article, you will find out why crises are essential for a relationship and how we can use them as an opportunity for personal growth. Read more about typical phases of a long-term relationship and how you can deal with challenges constructively.
Taking advantage of couples coaching requires a lot of courage. Self-confrontation means personal change – you face your fears and dark sides, perhaps even in the presence of your partner. Although you don’t know exactly where your journey should take you, you know that the old no longer fits and something has to “happen”.
My job is to accompany and support you in implementing the new.
You’ll find out exactly how I do this in a moment – but before that, something that may surprise you: relationship crises are completely normal, even predictable. Very few couples talk about it openly, because in our minds “crisis” is often associated with “failure”. Quite the opposite! Your crisis shows you that your relationship is going through a certain phase. Let me explain:
In a crisis? That’s good! It shows that your relationship is pretty normal.
Crises in a committed, long-term love relationship are not only normal, but absolutely necessary!
Differentiation-based couple therapy uses these crises as an opportunity for individual and joint growth. This approach goes back to Murray Bowen, one of the founders of systemic family therapy. David Schnarch (and others!) has deepened this approach for couples. Differentiation-based work is characterized by trust in the client’s resources and enables rapid changes in the couple dynamic.
What is “normal”? Typical phases of a long-term relationship
When a romantic relationship begins, a journey lies ahead of the two people involved – some stages of this journey are fixed from the outset. A long-term love relationship goes through various stages.
The transition to the next phase is always a crisis, which can also cause the relationship to fail.
The crises in your relationship push you to the limit and you ask yourself whether your partnership is doomed to fail? Not necessarily!
The following challenges are completely normal – if you have difficulties in any of these areas, show that a) it is important to both of you and b) that your relationship is developing according to a predictable (=normal) pattern:
- Challenge 1: How do we deal with our differences? Because: Choosing a partner is also choosing a problem.
- Challenge 2: How do we overcome transitional crises (professional reorientation, relocation, birth of children, etc.)?
- Challenge 3: How do we deal with responsibilities (dealing with everyday life, shared routines and duties, etc.)?
- Challenge 4: How do we master necessary growth crises (how do we change and still remain in relationship)?
- Challenge 5: How do we deal with problems (constructive handling of criticism, compromises, fights)?
Butterflies in your stomach: everything is perfect!
We fall in love again: the first phase is characterized by enthusiasm and the feeling of being perfect for each other. Butterflies in the stomach. The right person has finally been found! But sooner or later (usually after about three to 18 months), tensions inevitably arise: somehow it doesn’t fit anymore. You want to go back to the way it was – you were meant to be together! Why do you suddenly feel that something has changed between you? You want to stay in the relationship, but you no longer want to give in on important issues – it feels like you’re giving up on yourself. Pressure builds up. What can be done? Arguments can escalate violently, leading to quarrels and outright power struggles. You are incredibly disappointed in your partner. You would never have expected this from them.
After a long time of struggling, you ask yourself: Who am I actually, completely independent of you?
What defines me? This reflection can also lead to a break-up. You may find that you have much less to do (or want to do) with the other person than you previously thought. This can be very bitter and sad.
Taking off the rose-colored glasses
If you manage to get through this phase as a couple, you will treat each other differently afterwards. You respect each other’s differences – even when it’s difficult. Your interaction is characterized by goodwill – even in difficult moments. Especially when your partner doesn’t do what you want them to, you handle the situation with confidence.
Instead of just reacting, you now have choices: you decide what you want to do and face up to the necessary confrontations.
David Schnarch also observed this development and explained it on the basis of the differentiation concept. When two people fall in love, they are enthusiastic about each other. They give each other security and affirm each other – that’s wonderful. But at some point, your partner does things that you don’t like, that disappoint you. Your enthusiasm fades. You no longer give your partner the signal that “everything is perfect”, but address unpleasant things. You no longer affirm him/her. That confuses him a lot. Does she not like me anymore? Is the love gone? You are trying to reduce the tension between you:
We accommodate each other. We make compromises. We try to adapt for the sake of the relationship. But there is a limit.
If a compromise means betraying yourself, then you start to fight. Your partner can neither confirm nor reassure you: there is no more compromise, there is no solution. This is the moment when a separation is on the cards. The previous solution strategies no longer work. You are at an impasse. Couples counseling seems to be the last resort.
Couples at a dead end – the end of the relationship?
Conflicts of needs in your love relationship first lead you to a dead end.
A dead end that you can’t easily get out of on your own. At some point, it is no longer possible to make concessions: suddenly wishes remain unfulfilled and important needs remain unsatisfied. Frustration and anger arise. Your partner is no longer happy with you. You find this dissatisfaction hard to bear. Your counterpart is probably just as frustrated, perplexed and dissatisfied.
ou so that this sacrifice is “worth it”?
Why can't you take this small step towards me? But our counterpart can't do it any more than we can ourselves.
This is a massive blow to your mirrored self. Giving in now feels like a betrayal of yourself. You both stubbornly and defiantly deny the other person what they need. In the end, you are so stuck that you can no longer give in. There’s no going backwards or forwards: your relationship is at a dead end. You are both dependent on your partner to regulate your tension. You react sensitively to everything that comes from your partner – and vice versa. In a very short space of time, (at least) one person may break off contact and distance themselves.
Despair, anger, mistrust and hostility spread.
Couples counseling as a way out of the impasse?
The dead end is a challenge for people who want to have a committed love relationship and at the same time remain true to themselves – a challenge for growth. Now it’s time to take steps towards differentiation.
What are my values? What are my fears? How can I calm myself down?
Instead of blaming your partner, it’s now about consciously deciding on an appropriate response. All of this is a growth process. You will find truly harmonious solutions to conflicts – solutions that were unimaginable at the beginning of your journey.
Both emerge from the crisis changed. Both mean well with their partner and tackle difficult things.
The process of differentiation was therefore triggered by an unbearable situation at the dead end of the relationship. This process enabled both of them to develop a stable sense of self – independent of any confirmation from their partner. Both act in accordance with their values and have developed a stable and resilient alliance between two people that lasts even in difficult times. The growth and well-being of both is the focus.
That sounds promising, doesn’t it? I would be happy to support you in taking the steps towards growth.
Contact me now for a non-binding introductory meeting!