Phone: +43 680 30 97 431  |  Email: elisabeth@happycouples.at

Relationship “check-up”: you should ask yourself these questions! 

 

Want to work on your relationship? Read here what questions you can ask yourself! Plus: I’ll give you 8 specific suggestions on how you can easily get things moving in your relationship.

Do you often ask yourself what the current state of your relationship is? There may not be a specific problem, but you think to yourself: there’s more to it! You want to work on your relationship, but don’t know exactly what’s bothering you. Then you are in the right place!

Maybe you’re just skimming through the article – that’s totally okay, of course. But you can really go “in depth” if you take a little time and truly listen: just pick out the questions that feel right for you currently: If you like, find a quiet place, make yourself comfortable and write down the answers for yourself – where does the journey of thought lead you? 

However, you can also use the questions as an impulse for conversation: perhaps one or two questions can be a suggestion to start a conversation with your partner – an invitation to talk about your relationship.

Analysis: What do you have in common? How can you strengthen what you have in common?

The first section of questions is about everything that connects you and how you can strengthen this bond in everyday life.

  • What makes your relationship special? What connects you? Is it common hobbies, common values or a common circle of friends…?
  • What specific actions and rituals express this connection?
  • How is your connection expressed in everyday life?
 

Suggestion no. 1: What simple, new rituals can you integrate into your everyday life to express your bond?

An example: You love to travel and have a passion for other cultures, but at the moment you don’t have enough time or money for a trip around the world. How about developing a ritual for a ‘culinary trip around the world’, for example?  You take turns: every Sunday, one of you chooses an international recipe that you then cook together. You buy the ingredients together, find suitable music for your meal, etc. … there are no limits to your imagination. … there are no limits to your imagination.

Where do your ideal ideas come from and how do things look in reality?

Continue with questions and suggestions:

  • Where does your ideal imagination of a relationship come from?
  • Who are your role models when it comes to everyday relationships? What exactly do you like about this specific relationship?
  • Are there perhaps role models in your own history (for example your grandmother etc.)?

Suggestion no. 2: Where could you find like-minded people who have similar issues to yours?

We all have ideal ideas about romantic relationships. They are usually shaped by society and deeply rooted in us. I’m thinking, for example, of Disney films with happy endings and Prince Charming… The question is whether some of these ideals might be preventing you from facing reality. Are you perhaps clinging to ideals that don’t exist in real life? I invite you to take a closer look: What is happening right before your eyes?

 

What can you learn from your partner?

  • What have you learned from your partner so far?
  • Are there any qualities that irritate you but that you secretly admire?
 

Suggestion no. 3: Have the courage to tell your partner what you appreciate about them!

An example: Perhaps it annoys you to no end that your partner is always short of money and you therefore have to worry about finances. Secretly, however, you also admire their ability to handle money so easily and simply live for the day – you’d like that too.

Perhaps you could use the topic as a first step to talk about your everyday relationship? So: instead of blaming yourself, you could admit to yourself that you would like to be more relaxed about money, but that you can’t be at the moment.

Ask yourself: To what extent does your partner know that you struggle with this quality, but also value it? Could this awareness bring a new dynamic to your discussions?

How well do you know your partner?

  • How often do you experience her/him in full competence (for example in your own language)?
  • Do you understand your partner’s language?
  • Do you know his/her “cultural practices”?
  • Do you know how your partner grew up?
 

Suggestion no. 4: What could you do to create a deeper understanding? Think about a specific action.

When was the last time you visited your partner’s home country? Perhaps it is possible for you to plan a trip together. If not, bring up the topic anyway. The desire to immerse yourself in the reality of the other person’s life creates a connection.

Perhaps you are interested in getting to know your partner’s family of origin better (this can also be done via Zoom, WhatsApp…). Show interest in family photos and “childhood places” – you don’t necessarily have to travel for this – a look in the atlas, an interest in the other person and a little time are often enough. Expressing your desire to get to know the other person better shows your appreciation.

How can you make renunciation AND enrichment visible?

Intercultural relationships can bring diversity and enrichment, but are often also associated with sacrifice. Are you aware of this?

  • What do you have to do without (for example: support from your in-laws, a large house in the country, etc.)?
  • Have you already been able to mourn this sacrifice?
  • Does your partner know what you are giving up?
  • You both probably give up a lot to make this relationship possible. How does the relationship enrich you so that this sacrifice is “worth it”?

Suggestion no. 5: When was the last time you told your partner how the relationship enriches you?

Possibilities for change: How can you improve the relationship?

You often think: “I want to improve my relationship”, don’t you? What do you mean exactly? Do you mean: “I want to get to know my partner better” or “I want to change something in the relationship”?

If you want to change something but are not yet sure what exactly, the following questions may help:

  • What specific changes do you want to see in your relationship? For example, if you want “more intimacy” or “better communication”, what exactly does that mean?
  • Do you perhaps mean that you would like to spend more time together as a couple? With what exactly?
  • Or do you mean you want to have sex three times a week?
  • Or does it mean you want to scrutinize and change your argument culture?

→ Try to be as specific as possible.

Suggestion no. 6: How will you recognize that changes have actually happened? Please be very specific.

People often come to counseling who know exactly THAT something should be different, but don’t yet know exactly WHAT should be different.

I invite you to be as precise as possible: what exactly would you like to be different? Feel free to write down your thoughts!

You may realize that it’s not that easy: it’s really difficult to name exactly what you want to change! Don’t worry: most people feel the same way!

I’m here for you if you want to find out exactly where the shoe pinches – you don’t have to know exactly what you want to change yet. Most people find out very quickly during a coaching session what’s really going on and which levers they could tweak – it’s about developing new options together and then seeing what’s right for your relationship. 

What kind of partner do you want to be? How do you want to live, how do you want to love?

 

Suggestion no. 7: Think: How would YOU ideally like to behave in your relationship?

Maybe your relationship has developed in a direction that you didn’t want. Maybe you’re exhibiting behaviour that you don’t like about yourself – you don’t recognize yourself, but you can’t get out of it either. That’s totally human!

You now have the chance to take a closer look instead of just reacting and carrying on “like in a hamster wheel”. It’s really difficult to reflect on your own behavior: let the other person change first! Perhaps you can try to stay true to yourself anyway:

  • How would you ideally behave in your relationship?
  • What does it take (from yourself) to get closer to this behaviour?
  • What changes are necessary for you to behave in this way?

What use is the problem to you?

Perhaps you have a very specific issue that is putting a strain on your relationship. You already know exactly what it is, but a solution is not (yet) in sight.

My suggestions:

  • Try to isolate the problem you are having with each other: What is it good for?
  • Does this problem perhaps create opportunities to make contact (even if it is negative)?
  • Does the problem show your limits?
 

Suggestion no. 8: Try to look closely - even if it's difficult: What connects you both when the problem is gone?

There are conflicts in every relationship. In fact, very few of them can really be resolved.

  • How about using your energy to deal constructively with the conflict instead of trying to resolve it?

Would it be possible to simply “let the differences be there” and create a common basis without immediately “wiping away” all conflicts? Please don’t get me wrong: it’s not about ignoring problems and having to put up with them for the rest of your life. Rather, it is about recognizing a problem as such and deciding to deal with it consciously:

  • Can you really solve the problem, also get rid of it?
  • Or could you find another way of dealing with it?

These questions and suggestions are the first impetus to take a closer look at your relationship. The good thing is that you can do this all by yourself if your partner is not (yet) ready to take a closer look.

Want more ideas for your relationship? Let’s stay in touch! For example, you can sign up for my newsletter right now, without any obligation. I look forward to hearing from you!