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Power and powerlessness in intercultural relationships – learn how to deal with them now.

 

Most of us strive for equality and harmonious relationships. However, intercultural relationships are often a tough negotiation – who decides what happens or not? Find out here why it is important to face up to the truth.

 

An essential part of my work in counseling practice is to address things that happen unconsciously. Cultural differences shape us and cannot simply be “erased”. Moving to another country, financial dependencies and a certain degree of “being at the mercy of others” are commonplace in intercultural relationships. This is not pleasant, but it is a reality for most of us.

Today I would like to give you very specific examples of the dependencies that can arise in intercultural relationships and, above all, give you suggestions on how you can deal with these – perhaps new – insights. 

Power and powerlessness are part of intercultural relationships. What dependencies are you actually aware of?

New country, new happiness?

Perhaps you are about to decide to move to another country or are currently trying to create a new home together. There is often an imbalance as soon as you arrive in a foreign environment: in many cases, the culture shock is underestimated: most of us don’t know exactly what it actually means to leave home. Not only are family, friends and job left behind, but also the entire “old” identity.

 

When we move to another country, we are forced to completely reinvent ourselves.

​There are many reasons for moving – most people expect their living conditions to improve. But when you arrive in the new country, the reality is often very different: apart from a new language and different weather, many people experience a painful loss of skills: suddenly they need help to sort out bureaucratic matters, arrange medical appointments or build up a social network. Frustration and disappointment can spread, self-esteem suffers and there may even be a loss of face: the family of origin may think you “made it”: you are celebrated as a hero in your home country, but in fact you may be sitting at home waiting for a work permit in the new country. Your self-esteem suffers and your own identity is intensely questioned.

Do you know this feeling or have you noticed something similar in your partner?

There can be many reasons for saying goodbye to your old life. Even if a move is supposed to make things “better”, saying goodbye is always a loss. Are you aware of this?

My suggestion: Allow a period of mourning and acknowledge it, even if it is often difficult and exhausting. You may feel completely helpless and overwhelmed because you don’t know how to deal with the situation. You don’t have to deal with it alone! You can get help from outside! Experiences from others and contact with communities can help you to take a little “vacation” from your stress.

Are there people in your area who are in a similar situation? Dare to share your experiences - you are not alone!

Distancing yourself from your partner: Where are my personal boundaries?

Bureaucratic hurdles are grueling and are often underestimated. They not only lead to involuntary long-distance relationships and financial worries, but also create an enormous imbalance in the partnership.

We are faced with an ambivalence: we know that we cannot change the system. At the same time, we come up against personal limits when responsibilities can no longer be shared: suddenly one of us has to take on many things because there is simply no other way. For example, if one of us is not allowed to work, the other person automatically takes on the financial responsibility. This means that one person often not only has to take care of the family budget, but perhaps also support families of origin back home, while the partner objectively contributes “nothing” and “just” sits around. The “dependent” partner sometimes feels completely at the mercy of others: a foreign language, a foreign system, conflicts of loyalty to the culture and family of origin, role conflicts, disappointment and frustration.

Personal limits are quickly or very gradually reached and often exceeded: we usually try to make light of the situation (“Actually, it’s not so bad to take on that “little bit more responsibility” compared to the challenges my partner had to take on in their home country”).

So: “I see the other person’s challenge and don’t want to burden them with my own problems.”

It is very important to take a really close look here: Both partners give up. The person who comes has to leave a lot behind and faces a massive identity conflict. The person who stays “at home” takes on many responsibilities and therefore often forgoes personal freedom and a certain ease. In practice, I often find that precisely this part is underestimated and given too little attention.

An intercultural relationship can be very enriching, but is usually also associated with sacrifice and loss. How do you mourn your own personal loss?

So what can you do with this powerlessness? Talking helps: telling each other how you feel about the situation – that would be ideal. In reality, however, this is often more difficult than expected.

What to do when it’s just too much responsibility?

 “Mental load” is a term that has been used more and more frequently recently. Intercultural families have an “extra” mental load to cope with – just one example from practice: after many years of an involuntary long-distance relationship, a client has finally managed to obtain a residence permit for her partner. He is finally here. But bureaucratic hurdles make it impossible for her partner to find a job. The language barriers are still too great for a new apprenticeship. The woman takes care of a language course and supports her partner in settling in as best she can. She not only arranges appointments with the authorities and doctors, but also feels responsible for the emotional well-being of her partner, who has left his home country “because of her” and is now struggling with severe depression because he can no longer take on his role as a family man as he would like to.

Fates like this are familiar to me and I encounter them in my daily work. If you know this, I would like to encourage you: Many, many people are like you – only they don’t have the energy to talk about it – they are simply completely overwhelmed by the enormous burden of everyday life. If your situation seems hopeless, I would like to encourage you:

Consciously look for people in similar situations. You don't have to do it alone.

“Why are you being so…?” – Dealing with families and friends

In my opinion, there are far too few positive role models for intercultural couples. In addition to the many inner doubts, they often have to explain and justify themselves to family and friends. Monocultural couples do not have to deal with many things (such as financial support for the family in the country of origin or work permits in Austria) – there is simply a lack of knowledge about what intercultural couples have to struggle with.

We therefore often not only have to negotiate things “within” our intercultural relationship again and again, but also be “mediators” to the outside world – explaining things, often also translating (linguistically and culturally). This is very exhausting in the long term. It’s important to find a balance between “just learning to put up with some things and look past them”, but sometimes also consciously drawing a clear line – even if this may mean losing a friendship.

 

Have the courage to address things - especially if you have no idea how to solve them.

Balancing power through language?

What language do you speak at home? Which family language did you choose – and why? Language creates relationships – relationships are created through language – and you can’t change languages so easily.

Important: You are not responsible for your partner’s language skills! This means that you may continue to speak the language in which you met. Even if family and friends try to convince you to “please speak German so that he/she can integrate more quickly”. Remember: you are lovers and a romantic relationship is not a German language course. You can communicate this to the outside world in exactly the same way and with complete clarity.

Be aware that language also means power. How well can you express your feelings in another language? What language do you speak to each other and how did this come about? What role does your language play in your relationship dynamic?

 

Language is power. Which language do you choose?

Finding the balance: Is there equality in intercultural relationships?

Power imbalances in intercultural relationships are a reality that we have to learn to deal with. At best, you don’t fight it, but accept this reality as part of the very special dynamic of an intercultural partnership. The question is: how can you compensate for this imbalance instead of ignoring it? How can you value what the other person brings to the relationship?

 

Power and powerlessness can come into balance if you value what everyone contributes.

So, away from the desire to become ‘equal’ partners in the sense of an absolute balance of power. It’s unpleasant to put it in a nutshell, but part of my work involves addressing unpleasant things in order to make them visible. It’s important to notice what’s bothering you and your partner “in the background” – for example, are there unspoken role conflicts or needs that aren’t being met due to external circumstances such as a move? Instead of fighting against this, it is important to take a conscious look: In which areas do we have power/powerlessness? How do we want to deal with this, i.e. how do we manage to create a balance between these different areas?

How do we manage to create a balance?

How do you talk about imbalances in your relationship? How do you manage to find a balance? I’m curious about your experience with this topic and look forward to hearing from you – write to me right now.  elisabeth@happycouples.at