Phone: +43 680 30 97 431  |  Email: elisabeth@happycouples.at

How does differentiation-based couples counseling work?

Are you interested in how I work? How does couples counseling according to David Schnarch work and is this method the right one for me? You want to stay true to yourself and at the same time have a fulfilling love relationship – find out here how my counseling can support you!  

 

There are many reasons to consider couples counseling. Maybe you’ve felt for some time that you’re no longer happy in your relationship – but you don’t know exactly why. Maybe “everything is fine anyway”, but you think to yourself “there’s more to it”! Or maybe you’re deep in a crisis and there’s no going back or forth – constructive conversations are now almost impossible.

You’ve been wondering for a while whether counseling could be the right thing for you right now. In the jungle of different methods, you may also be confused: you don’t want to do anything wrong and don’t know exactly what counseling could look like. I understand that – after all, it’s about an important topic: your love relationship!

You've come to the right place if you need help making a decision!

I work “differentiation-based” – first and foremost, this means that I want to promote your ability to self-reflect with very specific questions. It’s about taking a very close look at your own issues – especially when they are unpleasant. When we dare to face important issues honestly – especially in the presence of our partner – it opens up completely new doors for closeness and intimacy.

I’m about to explain what differentiation means and why it’s essential for a relationship that works in the long term. I’ll also give you an insight into my work with specific examples.

The practical test: What does differentiation mean in concrete terms? 

According to David Schnarch, differentiation means “…the ability not to make one’s sense of identity and self-worth dependent on the reactions of one’s partner.”

This requires two things in particular:

  • A stable self: I know who I am and what I want.
  • A “related self”: I face the changes and “reorganize” myself again and again.

Differentiation is the ability to maintain a stable sense of self in close emotional or physical contact with a partner.

Here’s what you’ll learn in couples counseling according to David Schnarch:

  • Develop clarity: Who am I? What do I want? What goals do I have?
  • How can I take care of myself – without my partner having to validate me?
  • How can I calm myself down and have a healing effect on my own injuries?
  • How can I face problems that confuse me – without overreacting or running away?
  • How can I create intimacy while maintaining my own integrity?
  • How can we create a balance between autonomy and attachment?

You are working on these goals because the relationship is important to you - your love relationship AND the relationship with yourself.

You develop a clear work assignment – what do you want to achieve through the consultation? This can be done in pairs, but also alone.

What exactly happens during the consultation? Does it all have a structure? 

I am often asked about the process of a Crucible consultation. How does the method work? The advice follows a clear structure:

  • It’s about the here and now. What happens in the counseling room? How do the partners interact with each other? What creates tension? What emotions are palpable?
  • I address what I perceive directly and make things an issue – even if they are unpleasant.
  • I ask a lot of questions to understand the dynamics of the relationship and to enable self-confrontation.
  • I don’t stick to conventional rules of conversation (let people finish what they are saying…), but actively intervene in the course of the consultation.For some, this may be unfamiliar or even a little disturbing at first.

It's about seeing things from a different perspective.

So I am a third person who looks at your relationship from the outside and helps you to see important issues from a new perspective. This does NOT mean that I know what is “right” or “wrong”. It also does NOT mean that I tell you what to do – I can’t do that! But: I will help you to understand and gently change relationship dynamics.

The four points of balance according to David Schnarch

According to David Schnarch, four points are needed for differentiation to be possible:

He calls them “points of balance”. These points are systematically strengthened in Crucible counseling. The stronger the four points of balance, the more differentiated the person becomes.

We systematically strengthen your differentiation in the consultation.

A strong differentiation means:

  • You become more independent from the judgment of others
  • You become more capable of standing up for yourself
  • You will be better able to experience intimacy in your love relationship

These skills are promoted with very specific questions.

How certain questions promote your ability to stay true to yourself and have a fulfilling love relationship at the same time

Here’s an example from practice: My client Christina complained a lot about her partner: “I’m at home with the children all day. I constantly have to take care of them, tidy up, go shopping, look after them. And the first thing he says when he comes home: “What does it look like here?”

Christina feels rejected, ignored in her efforts, perhaps even devalued by her partner’s question. She has often said that she feels unfairly treated, but this hasn’t changed her partner’s behavior – there have always been arguments. In the first session, she expected me to support her. And the partner expected me to criticize him for his statement.

Instead of confronting my partner, however, my first question is directed at Christina. I sense a slight irritation in both of them – I deliberately don’t do what they both expect, but “do something different”: this is already the first step of my conscious intervention: the pattern is broken to enable a new perspective.

How can I expand my scope of action instead of always reacting in the same way?

My first question irritates both of them – I stay with Christina and ask: “Is your partner right? How does it look? Are YOU happy with the way it looks?”

Christina thinks about it “I’ve never thought about that before”. We talk about expectations (of ourselves, of the relationship). The conversation doesn’t stop at accusations, but goes much deeper – suddenly it’s about (disappointed) expectations (of the partner and of oneself). Both start talking about ideas of order at home, of being overwhelmed and of feeling left alone.

In this case, Christina found out that she wasn’t living up to her own expectations and that her partner reflected this by asking.

After a few consultations, she was able to say clearly: “I want things to look different at home, but I don’t want to be solely responsible for it.” The entire family routine was reorganized.

Christina automatically regained her ability to act: she reflected on her own reaction and now has the choice of how to deal with it.  

How determined are you and how willing are you to confront unpleasant things if they serve your personal growth? In couples counseling according to David Schnarch, we look together at the effects your own behaviour has on your relationship. Does your behavior really reflect your values?

Summary

It is completely normal for long-term romantic relationships to face various challenges. Differentiation-based couples counseling uses these crises as opportunities for personal growth.

Targeted questions are used to encourage self-reflection and identify new options for action. Couples counseling according to David Schnarch follows a very specific structure. The aim is to reflect on your own behavior and promote personal responsibility.

Are you prepared to stick with important topics because they are important for your relationship?

Would you like to find out whether this method will help you? Book a free initial consultation here! I look forward to hearing from you.