At home between two cultures:
How to create your own family identity
One home, two (or more) cultures – that brings colour, diversity and sometimes confusion to everyday life. In an intercultural family, different languages, habits, parenting styles and expectations collide. But instead of feeling overwhelmed by this, it’s worth focussing on what you can create together: your own, lovingly grown family identity.
What works for us: Finding your own mix
There is no “right” or “wrong”, only what works for you. Very simple things are often enough to give both (or several) cultures a place in everyday life – for example, a tablecloth from Mexico, a Russian cake on Sunday or the weekly phone call with your grandma in Nigeria. These small rituals help to make culture visible and tangible without them becoming additional to-dos. Because it’s important: Intercultural rituals should enrich you, not burden you. It’s not about perfection or a rigid plan, but about creating a family life that feels good for you.
Small rituals are completely sufficient - the main thing is that they feel natural and doable for you.
Sharing responsibility – creating together
In order for intercultural life to succeed in everyday family life, it is helpful not to place the responsibility for this on a single person. The “cultural mediation” often lies with the parent who brings the supposedly “smaller” or “less present” culture with them. But it’s easier together. Grandparents abroad can be involved, for example by reading a bedtime story over the phone or recording a video with a children’s song. Older children can contribute their ideas, for example which language they would like to improve or which festivals they like to celebrate. This creates a sense of bonding that strengthens everyone’s identity.
Cultural diversity is a family matter - actively involve grandparents, partners and children!
Finding common values – despite cultural differences
Cultures have different ideas – for example, about what constitutes a good life, how children are brought up or how people talk to each other. Instead of seeing these differences as a problem, it’s worth talking about what values are important to you as a family. Maybe it’s respect, maybe it’s cohesion or openness. These values don’t always have to be congruent, but they can grow together. Think about what you want to pass on to your children and which values will help you both feel connected in everyday life – even if you have different cultural backgrounds.
Instead of focussing on differences, actively look for the values that connect you.
Communication & change of perspective
In a family with different cultural backgrounds, misunderstandings are quite normal. This is not because someone is acting ‘wrong’, but because we have grown up with different expectations. Consciously take time to talk about your background, habits and wishes. Try to listen to each other and understand the other person’s perspective. It often helps to realise that there are many ways of dealing with challenges – and that no culture is “better” than another. Being open minded and mutual respect are the keys here.
Take time regularly to talk about your cultural backgrounds - even outside of conflicts.
Combining rituals and traditions
Children particularly benefit from being able to actively experience both (or several) cultures. Holidays from different cultures can be combined creatively and lovingly – perhaps Christmas is celebrated with Polish dishes or the Chinese New Year is incorporated into your annual ritual. But everyday life also offers many opportunities: a bedtime story in another language, music from a parent’s home country at breakfast or a song from another culture as a family soundtrack. Through such experiences, cultural diversity becomes a natural part of family life.
Combine old traditions with new ideas to create your very own family rituals.
Promoting multilingualism – without pressure
If several languages are spoken in your family, this is a gift – but again, no pressure! Children learn languages best through positive, playful experiences. If each parent speaks in their mother tongue, children learn automatically. You can support this with songs, books, radio plays or films. The important thing is that the children enjoy it and don’t feel any pressure to perform. Language diversity should be a treasure, not a duty.
Language grows through closeness and joy - not through coercion.
Recognising cultural conflicts – and resolving them constructively
Sometimes different cultural ideas clash with sensitive issues such as raising children, role allocation or family responsibilities. This can lead to tensions – that’s completely normal. The important thing is not to avoid these conflicts, but to approach them openly and respectfully. See them as an opportunity to get to know each other better and grow together. If you realise that you are not getting anywhere on your own, intercultural couples counselling can also help to build bridges and promote mutual understanding.
Conflicts do not mean failure - they can be an invitation to learn from each other.
Stay open minded – grow together
Being an intercultural family means constantly re-engaging with each other. Your family identity develops over the years – with every experience, every conversation and every child who brings their own questions and ideas. Remain open to change and new ideas. Give your children the freedom to develop their very own identity – sometimes closer to one culture, sometimes closer to another. What makes you strong as a family is not that everything fits perfectly, but that you find a way together that belongs to you. Celebrate your diversity – it makes you unique.
Your family identity can change - stay curious about each other and your history.
Intercultural family life is not a project that is “finished” – but a journey on which you grow together. It requires openness, respect, patience, humour – and sometimes just a tablecloth that tells stories. What counts is not perfection, but the feeling of home that you create together.
And yet, in the midst of all the organisation, conversations and cultural balancing acts, intimacy and closeness can fall by the wayside. If the connection between you becomes weaker or the need for closeness changes, this is often due to more than just everyday stress. You may feel that you are longing for a real connection again – with yourself and with your partner.
I would be happy to help you find out what is really behind your desire for more intimacy. Not with quick tips, but with personal, everyday support that creates space for you – beyond traditional therapeutic approaches.
Feel free to write to me without obligation: elisabeth@happycouples.at
You are not alone – and it can be easy again.